Stable partner: What prevents you from getting a stable partner?: If you asked yourself this question, you should know that, although sometimes the physical aspect is the first thing that we think could be sabotaging us, there may be a psychological background behind your’ problem.’
What Prevents You From Getting a Stable Partner?
All of us, at some point in our lives, have dreamed of finding that ‘ideal’ person that is always talked about, someone who makes us feel butterflies in our stomach and who is capable of transforming even our worst days into the best. However, sometimes this is not as simple as we would like, which makes us wonder why I am not able to get a stable partner?
If you have indeed asked yourself this question, you are not the only one, and you should know that, although sometimes the physical aspect is the first thing that we think could be sabotaging us. It goes far beyond that; There may be a psychological undercurrent behind your ‘problem.’
According to clinical psychologist Karem González, low self-esteem is one of the main obstacles that prevent finding a stable partner, since it is impossible to find someone who values your virtues if you do not do it yourself. “Failure is a stimulus that makes us question our abilities and skills. Facing the search for a partner, failure would mean that we are rejectable, that is, that there is something wrong with us that prevents us from being loved, “says the expert, adding that from there the fantasy that there is special someone waiting for us and that we must go out to look for it, or we must modify who we are to be accepted.
González maintains that another aspect that influences the search for a stable partner is the relationship model that we saw in our parents. Since these are the direct references of what we want (we accept) and what we do not want (we reject), in addition to being our role models, if the parent relationship is positive, the children are more likely to have healthy relationships. Whereas, if it is a toxic relationship, the trend would be to follow that pattern. “Sometimes, unconscious past needs are what our partner chooses, leading us to repeat dysfunctional and maladaptive patterns,” he says.
Another common mistake that the professional cites are wanting to live in the past, remembering old loves with which perhaps they had future plans, but which in the end did not materialize. “No healthy relationship stands on the foundation of another. You are facing a new person, therefore, a new relationship. The guideline to follow is the need of the moment, “he says while adding that a relationship does not work because of what we do or do not do, but because of what we feel and stop feeling. He says that for this type of case, the idea is to manage the grief, accepting and letting go of what was not accomplished.
What can we do
Looking for a stable partner, in Gonzalez’s opinion, should not be a goal. “The other is not a catalog of qualities that we are discarding, just as we are not. The meeting between two people must be fortuitous and organic. To condition ourselves to have a partner is to predispose ourselves to failure”.
In this sense, he says that proposing to find a stable partner is trying to demonstrate something, which is a sign of low self-esteem. The ideal is to focus on working on our qualities as people and letting time do its work, without staying with someone for conformity to satisfy a personal whim.
According to the psychologist, we must stop thinking that there is a person with whom being and being will be easy and eternal since this is just a myth of romantic love. “Relationships involve effort, limits, tolerance, and understanding, but above all, balance. It is not martyrdom, but neither is it a walk”.
It must also be borne in mind that both conformity and demands beyond real possibilities are extremes that are not healthy. No relationship is perfect, but the important thing is to give ourselves the task of really knowing the other, building something in common and living day by day out of empathy and desire. “As long as the thought is just meeting requirements, there will never be a stable partner,” he concludes.
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